The Phone Call That Reminded Me Leadership Is Personal

Leadership doesn’t become personal because we make it personal. Leadership is personal because people are.

Several years after we stopped working together, my phone rang. On the other end was a familiar voice asking, “Do you have time to talk?” That simple question became one of the greatest validations of my leadership career.

When I was a new area manager, I worked with someone facing significant personal struggles. The easy decision would have been to keep the relationship professional and focus only on work. This is very common with a lot of leaders. Stepping into personal issues in a work environment can be difficult and many HR leaders would advise against it. But instead, I chose to listen.

For me, I have always been a person who cares and tend to fall into the role of people pleaser. As I moved into the management and leadership roles, I knew I had to pull this back. But this scenario was different. I could see myself in this path, because I had been there. I learned from this that we can care, we can help and we can create boundaries to control any issues. These situations are never black and white, we can color in the gray if we set the proper stage.

These conversations began very much like coaching questions, helping to dig down and unearth the root problem. This was not advising or prescribing what needed to take place, it was helping to see what was happening and allowing the individual to find their answers.

These meetings always took place in the middle of the day, in my office. They were scheduled and structured to help maintain a clear view of the intent. But in reality, it was a lot of me listening and asking how or what they could possibly change. I did not set an agenda nor did I give personal advice. But one thing I did was share similar situations in my life and how I tried to work through things. That vulnerability creates trust. People rarely open up because we have the right answers. They open up because they believe they are finally in a place where they won’t be judged.

Being in a safe room, knowing that they could speak their mind without judgment is what lead to great conversations. I have always had a calm demeanor, and this allows people to feel comfortable to speak. As I think back it probably seemed like a very safe space to grow.

Trust isn’t claimed. It’s earned through consistency and authenticity.

Building this space is important. How you react, your facial expressions, your willingness to share and your ability to fully listen is as much of a key to this process as what you say. Again, the consistent meetings and the safe environment allowed trust to develop, and once trust was established, progress naturally followed.The conversations continued over time.

Mentoring became coaching, and coaching became genuine investment in another person's future. I watched confidence replace uncertainty and growth replace old patterns. New patterns emerging to help correct the old. As these patterns changed, I could see the great potential this person had.

Over time several jobs went their way, continual growth and development was happening. Each new position pushed and strengthened this individual. The confidence continued to increase. Eventually this person accepted a position above my own. Some leaders would see that as losing talent. I saw it as winning. If someone you mentor surpasses you, perhaps you've done your job well.

I have worked with people that would really struggle with someone leap frogging over them into a better position, I can’t complain about that because I did the same in my career. Everyone should be happy for anyone when they grow and succeed. I think for many leaders it exposes something deeper. They wonder if they could have invested more in others—or more in themselves.

Several years had gone by, there was not many communications, just a happy face here and there on Facebook. All assuming life is good, right?

Years later came the unexpected phone call. “Do you have time to talk?” For a moment, I had no idea why they were calling. Then I heard the uncertainty in their voice, and instantly I was transported back to the conversations we had shared years before.

This was not as personal as the previous time, but it had aspects of it. Here was a prime example of taking a leap, with confidence, but then allowing the imposter syndrome to creep in. There was a lot of doubting which was eroding the confidence that was built.

It also was the first time there was not a true leader above for them to reach out to. The higher people climb, the fewer places they often feel safe enough to admit uncertainty. Ironically, those with the most responsibility sometimes have the fewest people they feel comfortable asking for guidance. I have seen this happen more often than people realize.

Someone finally reaches a level in their career where they are the top and there are not too many people above them to help make decisions, they are expected to make the final decision. A CEO has the ultimate decision, who does someone at this level go to? This conversation over the phone reminded me that everyone, no matter at what level they are at needs some reassurance at some points in their career. We scheduled a few weekly mentoring sessions, and I quickly could hear the relief on the phone.

We went back to the previous time in our life where I listened and asked questions. Again, it was evident that they needed to be heard. They needed some validation that they were doing the right things in the job and there needed to be someone to help validate their decisions to help build back the confidence.

All of this reminded me that leadership is personal. That people we lead do not leave their lives at the door when they come to work. They carry fears, dreams, disappointments, and hope into every interaction.I worried about getting too involved, but my own experiences convinced me that compassion matters. Sometimes people simply need someone willing to listen. I have been known to veer from the corporate structured path from time to time. We need to remove our business hat and elevate the human experience by acting human and show our own vulnerability. Watching this individual rebuild their life, earn a great job, buy a new home, and create a better future humbled me more than any promotion ever could.

When I look at my career, I can look at the promotions I got, incomes that increased and all the “that a boy” pats on the back. But when you look back on your life, touching someone else’s life is far more rewarding than any of that.

“When we take the leadership role to personally develop someone else, it immediately becomes personal, you cannot remove this.”

If this person is going to trust you with their career growth, you must be willing to make it personal enough to build the trust. You will be required to give of your time, your experiences, your lessons learned and your vulnerability. When we apply consistency with all these things the trust forms and amazing things can happen. The phone call didn't validate my position. It validated my choice to care. It validated that I had become a leader that people truly respected. It validated that it was worth some of the uncomfortable conversations that opened my vulnerability.

Looking back, I don’t remember every sales number I hit or every project I completed. What I remember are the conversations, the breakthroughs, and the people who trusted me enough to let me walk alongside them for a season of their lives. Those moments have become the true measure of my career.Today I believe everyone deserves a second chance, and I believe leaders can change lives when they are willing to show empathy, vulnerability, and presence. I believe we can do good if we put our mind and our heart in the right place.

Don't be afraid to show your own humanity. Sometimes the greatest leadership lesson isn't found in a spreadsheet or strategy meeting. Sometimes it's found in a quiet conversation with someone who simply needs another person to believe in them.

Leadership lessons are presented to most leaders on a daily basis, what you do with these opportunities is up to you. The next time someone around you is struggling, don’t ask yourself whether it’s part of your job description. Ask yourself whether one conversation could change the direction of their life. Leadership is Personal!

“Our daily lives provide us with opportunities to step up and prove our leadership. If we aren’t watching and listening, those opportunities often walk right past us.”

Will you step in?

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