How I dealt with Frustration

There is a version of me that I recognize immediately.

I wasn’t angry.

I wasn’tdisruptive.

I wasn’t creating conflict.

In fact, most leaders would probably think that they are doing exactly what they are supposed to be doing.

They show up.

They complete their work.

They avoid drama.

They keep moving forward.

But underneath the surface, something has changed. I was frustrated, this story helps explain How I dealt with frustration and used it to learn.

I've seen this version of myself more than once throughout my career.It usually begins when I stop feeling connected to the team around me. Maybe I'm no longer involved in decisions. Maybe my ideas aren't being considered. Maybe I feel like no one is interested in hearing my perspective anymore.

I Dealt With Frustration

I went through this many times in my career, most was after a new merger and leadership would get changed. The new leaders wanted to do things where way, they didn’t know me and I felt much like I was being pushed aside.

I stopped talking in meetings.

I stopped challenging ideas.

I was feeling like I was getting replaced.

I was feeling invisible

These feelings are so real when they are happening, perception or reality?

Business changes have a huge effect on this subject. You are going along, being engaged and you feel like you are moving things forward. Your team is doing well and that passion and connection is there. This is where you and your team want to be, work life is good. Then out of nowhere there is an announcement. There is a merger, buyout or some sort of change that results in a shake up. Often times results in a new boss or a new direction in the company and boom, your life gets changed.

Whatever the reason, the result is almost always the same.I slowly begin to withdraw. Not intentionally. Not dramatically. Just quietly.I start saying things like:"Just doing my job.""I keep my head down and do what I'm asked.""I don't give much feedback anymore."

"No one listens anyway."The passion that once drove me begins to fade. The energy that pushed me to contribute disappears. The conversations become shorter and less interest in work related conversations. The ideas become fewer as nobody was listening, so I thought.

The engagement slowly drains away and leaving a life of just doing the job.

I stopped volunteering for projects.

I quit raising my hand in meetings.

I quit trying to improve things.

I quit caring if the idea succeeded.

And eventually I begin looking for something else.What's interesting is that I never left the company. I usually found another position, another team, or another opportunity. But looking back, I realize something important.

I may not have quit the company. But I absolutely quit the situation and there is a difference.

Disengagement Starts Long Before Someone Leaves

One of the biggest mistakes leaders make is believing employee disengagement begins when someone resigns.

It doesn't.

Disengagement often starts months before the resignation letter.It begins when people stop sharing ideas.When they stop asking questions.When they stop offering feedback.When they stop believing their voice matters.Most organizations notice turnover.Few organizations notice silence.The dangerous part is that silence often looks like compliance.

If you are experiencing a high rate of turnover, this is a subject you should be observing. High turnover is usually cause by a problem in the culture. Is the culture problem coming for poor clarity and open engagement? When we get to busy and we don’t notice, then nothing will change.

The employee is still showing up.

Still doing the work.

Still hitting expectations.

Everything appears fine.

But internally, the connection has already started breaking down.

Why High Performers Are Different

One lesson I've learned over the years is that these warning signs are often easiest to spot in high performers.

Employees who are already disengaged may not look much different when they withdraw.

But high performers are another story.

They are usually involved.

They contribute ideas.

They challenge assumptions.

They look for ways to improve things.

They care.

That's why their silence is so noticeable.

When a high performer suddenly becomes quiet, something has changed.When they stop participating, stop offering suggestions, or stop engaging in conversations, leaders should pay attention.That doesn't automatically mean there is a problem.But it is a signal worth exploring.

The Gift of Self-Awareness

The reason this topic matters so much to me is because I learned to recognize the pattern in myself.

At one point, I realized that I wasn't simply observing disengagement in others, I was experiencing it personally.

That realization changed how I looked at myself and how I looked at changes within others I worked with.

Because once I understood what it felt like, I became better at seeing it in other people, I could recognize the signs.

The employee who suddenly became quiet.

The team member whose enthusiasm disappeared.

The person who used to contribute but now seemed content sitting in the background.

I knew what I was seeing because I had lived it and that awareness made me a better leader.

The One-on-One Conversation That Matters

Some of the most important conversations I've ever had happened during one-on-ones.

Not because I had the perfect solution.

Not because I had all the answers.

But because I was willing to notice.

I've had employees who were quietly moving down the same path I had traveled myself. I could understand their frustration and connect in a better way.

They weren't complaining.

They weren't causing problems.

They were simply fading away.

Instead of letting that happen, we talked.We explored what was going on.We discussed frustrations.We looked for solutions.Sometimes the answer involved changing responsibilities.Sometimes it involved improving communication.

Sometimes it simply required someone to listen.

Not every situation was fixed.

But many were.And those conversations often built more trust than any recognition program or team meeting ever could.

People don’t just jump from one job to another because without a lot of thought. A job change can be stressful on the person making the change and the family involved in the process.

Pay is usually disrupted, insurance is reset and the securities of current job are lost, and a new security need rebuilt.

So, job changes are not a quick decision.

Don't Stay Frustrated.

Find a Solution.Looking back, I used to minimize these feelings, my attitude was simple, just suck it up and do your job.

Many people were taught the same thing work is work, keep your head down and push through.Sometimes that mindset is necessary.

But I've learned there is a difference between temporary frustration and long-term disengagement, ignoring the problem rarely solves the problem.

The better approach is to confront it.

Talk about it.

Explore it.Work toward a solution.

And if a solution can't be found, then it may be time to pursue a different opportunity, but don't allow yourself, or someone on your team, to simply disappear into silence.Because silence is often the first sign that something important has been lost.

This is more than a work-related issue

Think through this process, think about how this may relate to anything in your life and then apply this to the people you deal with on a daily basis.

“I’ve seen this happen at work, but I’ve also seen this happen at home.”

This may not even be work related, if you have a teenager, you may have seen this and hopefully you have not seen this in your marriage. I know I have and that resulted in a divorce for me. Learning this process can help us in our everyday lives, embrace the learning and start noticing.

The basic human natures we see and observe at work can be a similar behavior we could see in our personal lives.

Human behaviors can manifest themselves anywhere, learning this can help in all aspects of our life.

Final Thoughts

One of the most valuable leadership skills isn't speaking.

It's noticing.

Noticing when someone's energy changes.Noticing when enthusiasm disappears.Noticing when participation turns into silence.The employee who stopped talking may not be preparing to leave.They may simply be waiting for someone to notice.

The spouse may not be looking to leave.

They may just want to know someone cares.

The teenager is not looking to run away or leave.

They may just want to be recognized as an individual.

The question is:

Would you recognize the signs?

And if you did, what would you do about it?

If you like these stories, please subscribe. If you want to see the video version, please go to my Mentoring Moments on YouTube

Mentoring Moments